Wildebeests Aiming To Raise Stock Prices of Horns

Maputo – MOZAMBIQUE
Speaking to a mustachioed journalist at a local cafĂ©, the representative of the local Blue Wildebeest population said he was looking to raise stock prices of their horns, their best known export by at least 15%. Mr. Buckwheat Katongo, the Commissioner of Finance for O’Flahertie’s and the Beast Confederacy said that the decision to push for a raise in price was unanimous, and expressed optimism that the Confederacy would achieve a mutual consensus with the shipping company.

“We have, uh, completed an extensive analysis of the situation at hand. Right now, our horns are only used for plain decorations, not carved into fanciful stuff like they do with ivory or reported to have extraordinary healing powers like Rhinoceros horns, or used for invocations like those long Ram horns. But we are hoping that with aggressive advertising and a concerted social media campaign, we can make some people believe crazy shit about our horns. We hate to see poachers going the extra mile for Elephant tusks, but would not even bother hustle up the horns after Leopards and Crocodiles are done with the carcasses our comrades. Even those yuppy Game Hunters would pose with Lions, Girrafes, even antelopes. But you rarely see them posed over a wildebeest, or, you know, cosplaying a Viking theme with a pot. You rarely see that.”

The Wildebeest Confederacy has in recent times, faced many challenges including loss of habitat, underdeveloped migration facilities, aberrant herd members, and pissed off crocodiles. Mr. Katongo said he hoped the boost to their local economy that comes from the sale of the horns could alleviate these issues.

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