Posts by Kendzi Uzondu

Hello, I'm a Nigerian with more opinions about the world than actually necessary. I'm liberal, feminist, and an atheist, so you know what biases to expect.

Aqueous Humor feels out of place at meeting of Secretions

Endocrine System – Human Body
The Aqueous Humor secreted to clean the cornea of human eye balls has admitted that he does feel a little out of place at the meeting of fluids of all sorts secreted by the body. The lucid moderately viscous liquid stated that it feels it does not belong at such meetings, where enzymes, hormones and other power juices come to discuss their accomplishments and plans.
“Yes, there is an unspoken trust of equality amongst all functional juices in the body, and we let people know that right of the saliva. It is obvious that our roles are so absolutely exclusive, and there is no rush to obey orders. But men, when the guys start mentioning the stuff they do, you get some humbling chills.”
The meeting of Body secretions is often held to address somatic issues, and the humors from the eye promptly attend. Aqueous Humor explains some of the feats discussed there.
“You start with those silky ones coursing through the gyri, and these are some hair raising motherfuckers. Dopamine is kind of the boss up there, but the stuff the other guys do are equally fascinating. The guys from the thyroid gland can arrange matters for months, even years, and you kind of don’t wanna get in the way of that. Then there are the enzymes in who are all keeping a wicked list of all the molecules they have broken down. The names they drop man . . . amazing!”
Aqueous Humor also noted that while he had helped stabilize vision during crucial responses and exertions made by the body, he wished that his functions had more vive to it.
“The visceral guys have the funk, I’d tell you that. Serotonin from the digestive tract can mix up not just the minds of people around it, not just its beholder. Metabolites are having their ass handed to them by the boys from the liver, and the bitch from the Adrenal gland, when she says go, she means go! Meantime I’m barely hanging here by the lids, and my sister is stuck in a bottle shifting photons all day. We don’t have much to say at these meetings men, we let the guys have the floor.”
The visagial fluid also reported that while he couldn’t accomplish much, he was quite glad that humans put him to use as a communication device.


Report: More people visit Reliquaries than look up the word.


CANNES – France
It has been thoroughly confirmed by people who like to visit Reliquaries that more people actually visit Reliquaries than look up what the word means. Many visitors confessed that they only knew they were in a Reliquary when they visited one, and that have ever since continued visiting to meet other visitors who never knew the word Reliquary until the meeting.

Kim Jong-un Regrets Failed Constipation Joke

Pyongyang – NORTH KOREA
Sitting alone in an empty legislative chamber, a pensive Kim Jong-Un rued a failed constipation joke he had made at the beginning of his regime. The Supreme Leader had following his Father’s death, told his ardent populace quite explicitly that he does not defecate. Many however took it quite literally, and soon rumors began to spread the deified Autocrat had conquered his own bowels and never visits the John. In his broody soliloquy on Sunday evening however, Kim admitted that it was all a joke, a badly received one.

“How could they not get it?” The depressed didact asked himself. “I meant that I do not give a shit, you know, like the Americans say all the time. I thought that half a century of patriarchal militaristic isolationism has already proved that point quite clearly, but I made the joke anyway. I thought we were going to laugh about it for a week, a month perhaps. But things were a little crazy at that time; my father had just died, the Russians were chasing rioting pussies instead of bolstering our nuclear arsenal, and the Chinese economy was all over the place. I thought the joke had surely died then.”

The North Korean leader then painfully recalled seeing two farmers fighting over issue a few days ago. One had defecated on the other’s parcel, and defended his atrocity by insisting that even their God-King does his number two every now and then. The other could not bear this heresy, and proceeded to whack his comrade over the head with his plough. Kim Jong-Un revealed that this ugly incident brought back so many painful memories.

“It was all a joke for God sake! I even brought Dennis Rodman over here to explain that to them, but the cokehead forgot all about it.” He reserved his greatest scorn for American comedians and late Night show hosts, who had bastardized the joke and made some people beyond the peninsula actually believe that the Supreme Leader doesn’t