Report: More people visit Reliquaries than look up the word.


CANNES – France
It has been thoroughly confirmed by people who like to visit Reliquaries that more people actually visit Reliquaries than look up what the word means. Many visitors confessed that they only knew they were in a Reliquary when they visited one, and that have ever since continued visiting to meet other visitors who never knew the word Reliquary until the meeting.


Squirrels and Agamas Hoping to Evolve Through Furtive Glances

Abeokuta – OGUN
Squirrels and Agamas living in and around Humans have consistently proven and advocated a use of coded furtive glances to project their neurological evolution around the highly intelligent Cercopithecoid. The small creatures stated that they had learnt to make use of all kinds of gazes and blank stares to avoid and cope around humans, whose movements can be quite erratic, unpredictable.

“Now humans you see, are quite an inexplicable bunch. I mean, have you ever had someone stare at you while they were spacing out? They are thinking some crazy shit that has no end answer, just spirals of what and why. That is when they chose to stare . . . You can’t tell whether they’re feeling good or having their dankiest though. All you can see is vacant eyes, souls begging to be filled with some kind colorful fluff, anything. Then they heave out air, or shake their head, make a mindless dash or pace away for something they end up not needing. You’re actually relieved from that ennui if they lock on you and try to throw a stone or a playful shoo.”

Despite these attendant awkwardnesses and a vastly different neural anatomy, both surburbian critters stated that they could taxanomically balance a progressive code on the humans, whose intellectual achievements undeniably abound and kept increasing in leaps and bounds. This would obviously ensure their own developing code would be intrinsically propelled not necessarily to rival humans and what they’ve acheived, but how to adapt and survive amongst the most dangerously fickle and literally explosive Creatures this portion of the Universe ever spawned. They believe if they could handle humans, it doesn’t matter whatever has been reported to be creeping around Mars or whatever they find yakking their jaws under Europan waters, they would be fine if they stick with old Helios.

“Yes, we know, their Amygdala is well snuck deep into all that sparkly fat, neurotransmitters sneaking like catwoman into all nooks and cranies, and their thalamus is doing some crazy stunts every now and then . . . our much more primordial structures aren’t capable of any of that. It’s all pointy Olfactory lobes and some scanty folds of cerebellum. We however, would get by anything the Cosmos throws our way if we can stick around these guys. Of course, we have to watch out for their most nefarious demographic; little boys who spy us out and hurl stones with hunting eyes. They often miss, and I cannot fathom why they do that to us, but ignore rats that frequently have their way with their unwashed hands from dinner.”

Squirrels and Lizards confirmed that while they bear their close relatives Possums, snakes, and cute birds in mind, they have come to appreciate how much more peaceful bats and salamanders were, and admitted that this might be contingent on their habitatial displacement from humans. “Our biome is not the coolest, but we’re getting by. We have come to take it all with a pinch of salt, which some of the food in their trash sometimes lack. We appreciate their reticence towards us in general, but they can change entire landscapes in an
ornery. But we’re sure they are good folk. Or good enough to stick around and adapt to.”

Both Lizards and Squirrels affirmed that while they’ve got love for all creatures that had to deal with humans, spiders were a sneaky bunch that have been reported to be carnivorous.


Ants Hoping to Break Communication Barrier, Teach Humans a Thing or Two About Ecology

Ants on the floor bed of the Tropical forests in Nigeria have in spite of regional and seasonal difficulties, insisted that they would love to break the communication barrier between they and humans to teach them some things about ecology. The ants were quite happy to report that they actually possess this knowledge, and have it stashed somewhere, they said. But that they were some attendant difficulties in figuring out the sounds and visual signs that would convey the message to Humans. “Ah, yes indeed, we would love to present humans with some ideas we have about our shared habitats, and about our entire ecosystem. Unfortunately, we are yet to determine a codification that’d help break the communication barrier. We know for sure that they study us, boldly sending their creepy shorts wearing backpacking folks to study us and what not. That’s not an issue, though, the creepy is at a tolerable level. I mean, some of them might be disgusted at what parts of them we love eating.”

The ants however, had a fingers-crossed attitude about the prospects of an amicable communication, given that the very fact that there is a talk to be had meant that there were key issues to discuss. “Boy, what a talk that’d be. There might be awkward exchanges about how we eat their furniture, or how we often show up beneath their footfall. We have our own grievances to air as well. I mean, it’s not like the furniture they accuse us of eating does not stub their own toe from time to time. Most of our grievances though, are outside, and we would love to take it there, so to speak. Asphalt is bound to come up a lot.”

The ants added that they hoped the humans don’t stretch the metaphor on taking it outside.


Wildebeests Aiming To Raise Stock Prices of Horns

Speaking to a mustachioed journalist at a local cafĂ©, the representative of the local Blue Wildebeest population said he was looking to raise stock prices of their horns, their best known export by at least 15%. Mr. Buckwheat Katongo, the Commissioner of Finance for O’Flahertie’s and the Beast Confederacy said that the decision to push for a raise in price was unanimous, and expressed optimism that the Confederacy would achieve a mutual consensus with the shipping company.

“We have, uh, completed an extensive analysis of the situation at hand. Right now, our horns are only used for plain decorations, not carved into fanciful stuff like they do with ivory or reported to have extraordinary healing powers like Rhinoceros horns, or used for invocations like those long Ram horns. But we are hoping that with aggressive advertising and a concerted social media campaign, we can make some people believe crazy shit about our horns. We hate to see poachers going the extra mile for Elephant tusks, but would not even bother hustle up the horns after Leopards and Crocodiles are done with the carcasses our comrades. Even those yuppy Game Hunters would pose with Lions, Girrafes, even antelopes. But you rarely see them posed over a wildebeest, or, you know, cosplaying a Viking theme with a pot. You rarely see that.”

The Wildebeest Confederacy has in recent times, faced many challenges including loss of habitat, underdeveloped migration facilities, aberrant herd members, and pissed off crocodiles. Mr. Katongo said he hoped the boost to their local economy that comes from the sale of the horns could alleviate these issues.


Dead Sea Wishes It Had A Better Location

Amman – JORDAN
The waters of the Dead Sea has expressed dissatisfaction with its current coordinates and altitude. The water (if it can still be called that), said it suffered from extraordinary salinity from having it’s surface below some standard height called sea level that it knew nothing off.
“In another location, my intense salinity would be ameliorated by surrounding virulent waters, not the stark landscape of this quasi wilderness. I wouldn’t be so . . . wierd, you know. I don’t want to be the only inland lake where people can actually float on, you know. I am not even useful to mafia bosses, who would want their corpses to receive some communion before floating right up, you know. And who cares what height I am in the oceans I would rise with waves and even heed the call of the moon. But here I am, in the midst of countries and tribes that wouldn’t even agree with each other. Instead of majestic porpoises and dolphins, humpback whales and whatever kinds of frivolous beasts in the sea. It’s just so . . . stressful.”
Though despondent at the time of this report, the waters hoped that ambitious engineering projects might redirect it to much more playful tides, or at least dredge it of salinity and give it that Ontario look.


Archeologist Find Skull Perfect to be Used as a Bong

Windhoek – NAMIBIA
An Archeologist by the name of Antoine DeBruyne announced Yesterday that he found a humanoid skull in perfect condition to be used as a bong. Speaking to journalists from his excavation site, an enthusiastic Antoine said, “So check this out, I and my buddy Travis have been labouring and obambulating around this goddamn site, analyzing soil chemistry and eluviation, boring stuff like that. All for what? To discover old ass turd-like fossils for some nerdy kids to be excited about? Nah, fuck that. But as I was digging through this aromatic strata yesterday, I found this skull that would make a badass bong. It has got a hole in the cranium with just the right diameter for a pipe and the sinuses are still in prime condition to be stuffed the buds . . . we’re so excited!”
Though the skull is yet to be carbon dated, most scientist are quite certain that it predates the last ice age. Antoine however, was mostly excited about his new utensil. “Look man, after Travis and I are done digging for the day, we are going to light up some good kush as we watch the beautiful African Sunset over the grassy plains. Late into the night we are going to keep blowing smoke into the sky until those voyeuristic aliens cough loud enough to alter our tidal waves and the white dwarfs are irreversibly stained. I daresay that this is the most exciting discovery in my 8 year career . . . Imma even tell my mom about this.”