Beijing – CHINA
The United States of America has agreed to a debt cancellation agreement with the Republic of China that would have China inherit all her African American citizens in exchange for complete cancellation of debts between the two countries. Analysts agree that while the agreement itself is crass and has sparked Protests, the US is taking the step to decongest it’s Prison population and reduce Heart-related deaths in her police force. China on the other hand, gets to increase revenues from her entertainment and sports industries, while solidifying her burgeoning economic relationship with the African continent.
Many have cited the Asian powerhouse Colonialist schemes as a major source of concern, while others protested that the bill for the agreement was based on a slavery era law. However, many Africans, African Americans and Asians expressed optimism at the prospect of a tension-free relationship between the two ethnicities, starting afresh on an untainted plate. Others opined that the move might have put and end to a looming 3rd World War triggered by hyper nationalist movements worldwide.
Maputo – MOZAMBIQUE
Speaking to a mustachioed journalist at a local café, the representative of the local Blue Wildebeest population said he was looking to raise stock prices of their horns, their best known export by at least 15%. Mr. Buckwheat Katongo, the Commissioner of Finance for O’Flahertie’s and the Beast Confederacy said that the decision to push for a raise in price was unanimous, and expressed optimism that the Confederacy would achieve a mutual consensus with the shipping company.
“We have, uh, completed an extensive analysis of the situation at hand. Right now, our horns are only used for plain decorations, not carved into fanciful stuff like they do with ivory or reported to have extraordinary healing powers like Rhinoceros horns, or used for invocations like those long Ram horns. But we are hoping that with aggressive advertising and a concerted social media campaign, we can make some people believe crazy shit about our horns. We hate to see poachers going the extra mile for Elephant tusks, but would not even bother hustle up the horns after Leopards and Crocodiles are done with the carcasses our comrades. Even those yuppy Game Hunters would pose with Lions, Girrafes, even antelopes. But you rarely see them posed over a wildebeest, or, you know, cosplaying a Viking theme with a pot. You rarely see that.”
The Wildebeest Confederacy has in recent times, faced many challenges including loss of habitat, underdeveloped migration facilities, aberrant herd members, and pissed off crocodiles. Mr. Katongo said he hoped the boost to their local economy that comes from the sale of the horns could alleviate these issues.
Pyongyang – NORTH KOREA
Sitting alone in an empty echoey legislative chamber, a pensive Kim Jong-Un regretted once telling his people that as the Eternal Living Sun of the People’s Republic of Korea, he does not defecate. Early in his tenure, the Great Successor had reiterated the running myth about the bowel movements of his dynasty, but now felt the the joke was badly received.
“How could they miss the joke?!” The rueful Supreme Leader asked himself. “And how could they truly believe that I do the number 2? I even brought Dennis Rodham here to translate it to them, but the cokehead forgot all about it and just wanted to play with puppies. It just means that I don’t give a shit, nothing else!”
The Great Successor then went on to painfully recount how he had observed from his balcony, two farmers who had gotten into a fight over the issue. One had defecated on the others parcel, and defended his atrocity by insisting that it’s only the Supreme leader that does not poo. This infuriated the other, who whacked him on the head with his plough.
“I should never had made that joke,” Kim noted, shaking his head sadly. “But the transition was a crazy time man. My Father had just died, the Chinese economy was all over the place and the Russians were busy chasing rioting pussies. I thought the joke would lighten the mood, you know, and the people would laugh about it for a week, a month tops. But I should never make that joke again, note to self.”
The Chairman of the Worker’s Party especially denounced American Comedians and talk show hosts, who had insisted on a literal interpretation of the joke, and ruined the comedy beyond the peninsula. Reports have it that he concluded his soliloquy on a 1989 model WC, before making calls to his military technicians to facilitate the range increment of their latest missile by 167 nautical miles.
Amman – JORDAN
The waters of the Dead Sea has expressed dissatisfaction with its current coordinates and altitude. The water (if it can still be called that), said it suffered from extraordinary salinity from having it’s surface below some standard height called sea level that it knew nothing off.
“In another location, my intense salinity would be ameliorated by surrounding virulent waters, not the stark landscape of this quasi wilderness. I wouldn’t be so . . . wierd, you know. I don’t want to be the only inland lake where people can actually float on, you know. I am not even useful to mafia bosses, who would want their corpses to receive some communion before floating right up, you know. And who cares what height I am in the oceans I would rise with waves and even heed the call of the moon. But here I am, in the midst of countries and tribes that wouldn’t even agree with each other. Instead of majestic porpoises and dolphins, humpback whales and whatever kinds of frivolous beasts in the sea. It’s just so . . . stressful.”
Though despondent at the time of this report, the waters hoped that ambitious engineering projects might redirect it to much more playful tides, or at least dredge it of salinity and give it that Ontario look.
Asokoro, FCT – The Federal Government of Nigeria has employed the services of an Internet Financial Opportunist, popularly known as Yahoo Boy or G-Boy, in its bid to obtain Financial aid from Germany.
Chibueze Nkwocha, a 29 year old graduate of Biochemistry from Unizik was called upon by the Federal Ministry of Finance to help solicit aids and loans from Angela Merkel’s administration.
“This is an exciting new initiative to use the abundant talent of our Yahoo boys to meliorate our solvency and give our economy the needed boost to beat the recession once and for all,” Finance Minister Kemi Adeosun said. “We intend to use this method to our advantage in other issues of foreign exchange” she added.
The pilot edition of this Capital Gain scheme, known as MMP (Maga must pay), kicked off earlier today with Chibueze who was hunched over his Laptop as the Honourable Minister whispered suggestions over his shoulder in her special variant of British English. Sources in Germany confirmed that at 2pm in Berlin, Angela Merkel was deeply engaged in a chat with a young well-informed Nigerian Army Sergeant who had just returned from quite an ordeal of a peacekeeping mission in South Sudan.