Nigerian Judo Federation Bans Use of Adamantium Blades

Abuja – FCT
Sitting in a conference in Maitama, the Nigerian Judo Federation on Monday announced that it had reached a decision to ban the use of all protusible adamantium blades (or blunt bones), and athletes who dare to use such in fights, or are unable to control harmful protrusion of such bones. The top regulating body said they had no choice but to completely obstruct the potential hazards and casualties such mutational weapons could cause.
Mr. Olalekan Adekunle, an erstwhile Judo Champion and the Agency’s Sporting Director said he found the unanimous decision not only right, but pressing given the recent incidences. “Many of us here in this conference can attest to the number of times when they met talents, or scouts talking about talents who happen to mention that they had adamantium skeleton, some as protusible bones which they’ve shanked up during training. We have made it quite clear to them that on no circumstances should these be used, and any prospect who attempts such would be committing a career-ending foul.”
Mr. Adekunle stated quite blandly that there were already registered athletes who had blades and bones of the extremely rare and durable metal alloy, but they had all been briefed about the consequences of using such capriciously. None with professional certification he added, had intractable extrudant bones or suffer loss neural loss of control of the natural knives buried deep beneath in the flesh of their limbs.
“We can safely assure lovers of the sport that while they do not have to worry about any ugly incidences, any athlete who displays or uses excarnate bones during a fight shall be competently expulled. Look, we have had some athletes confide that they have all sorts of tough alloys in their body. Vibranium, Dargonite and some others have been toted, with some athletes even claiming that the wording of this new regulation only bans adamantium. Let us make this clear, all tough metallic bones must be hidden inside the body during fights.”
Mr. Darlington Otueke and Mr. Lateef Suleiman, both high ranking members of the Federation made statements reasserting the referendum. The Meeting concluded with an adjournment of other issues.

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Ants Hoping to Break Communication Barrier, Teach Humans a Thing or Two About Ecology

O HORIZON, TROPICAL FOREST – Nigeria.
Ants on the floor bed of the Tropical forests in Nigeria have in spite of regional and seasonal difficulties, insisted that they would love to break the communication barrier between they and humans to teach them some things about ecology. The ants were quite happy to report that they actually possess this knowledge, and have it stashed somewhere, they said. But that they were some attendant difficulties in figuring out the sounds and visual signs that would convey the message to Humans. “Ah, yes indeed, we would love to present humans with some ideas we have about our shared habitats, and about our entire ecosystem. Unfortunately, we are yet to determine a codification that’d help break the communication barrier. We know for sure that they study us, boldly sending their creepy shorts wearing backpacking folks to study us and what not. That’s not an issue, though, the creepy is at a tolerable level. I mean, some of them might be disgusted at what parts of them we love eating.”

The ants however, had a fingers-crossed attitude about the prospects of an amicable communication, given that the very fact that there is a talk to be had meant that there were key issues to discuss. “Boy, what a talk that’d be. There might be awkward exchanges about how we eat their furniture, or how we often show up beneath their footfall. We have our own grievances to air as well. I mean, it’s not like the furniture they accuse us of eating does not stub their own toe from time to time. Most of our grievances though, are outside, and we would love to take it there, so to speak. Asphalt is bound to come up a lot.”

The ants added that they hoped the humans don’t stretch the metaphor on taking it outside.

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Wildebeests Aiming To Raise Stock Prices of Horns

Maputo – MOZAMBIQUE
Speaking to a mustachioed journalist at a local cafĂ©, the representative of the local Blue Wildebeest population said he was looking to raise stock prices of their horns, their best known export by at least 15%. Mr. Buckwheat Katongo, the Commissioner of Finance for O’Flahertie’s and the Beast Confederacy said that the decision to push for a raise in price was unanimous, and expressed optimism that the Confederacy would achieve a mutual consensus with the shipping company.

“We have, uh, completed an extensive analysis of the situation at hand. Right now, our horns are only used for plain decorations, not carved into fanciful stuff like they do with ivory or reported to have extraordinary healing powers like Rhinoceros horns, or used for invocations like those long Ram horns. But we are hoping that with aggressive advertising and a concerted social media campaign, we can make some people believe crazy shit about our horns. We hate to see poachers going the extra mile for Elephant tusks, but would not even bother hustle up the horns after Leopards and Crocodiles are done with the carcasses our comrades. Even those yuppy Game Hunters would pose with Lions, Girrafes, even antelopes. But you rarely see them posed over a wildebeest, or, you know, cosplaying a Viking theme with a pot. You rarely see that.”

The Wildebeest Confederacy has in recent times, faced many challenges including loss of habitat, underdeveloped migration facilities, aberrant herd members, and pissed off crocodiles. Mr. Katongo said he hoped the boost to their local economy that comes from the sale of the horns could alleviate these issues.

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Archeologist Find Skull Perfect to be Used as a Bong

Windhoek – NAMIBIA
An Archeologist by the name of Antoine DeBruyne announced Yesterday that he found a humanoid skull in perfect condition to be used as a bong. Speaking to journalists from his excavation site, an enthusiastic Antoine said, “So check this out, I and my buddy Travis have been labouring and obambulating around this goddamn site, analyzing soil chemistry and eluviation, boring stuff like that. All for what? To discover old ass turd-like fossils for some nerdy kids to be excited about? Nah, fuck that. But as I was digging through this aromatic strata yesterday, I found this skull that would make a badass bong. It has got a hole in the cranium with just the right diameter for a pipe and the sinuses are still in prime condition to be stuffed the buds . . . we’re so excited!”
Though the skull is yet to be carbon dated, most scientist are quite certain that it predates the last ice age. Antoine however, was mostly excited about his new utensil. “Look man, after Travis and I are done digging for the day, we are going to light up some good kush as we watch the beautiful African Sunset over the grassy plains. Late into the night we are going to keep blowing smoke into the sky until those voyeuristic aliens cough loud enough to alter our tidal waves and the white dwarfs are irreversibly stained. I daresay that this is the most exciting discovery in my 8 year career . . . Imma even tell my mom about this.”

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