Abuja – FCT
Sitting in a conference in Maitama, the Nigerian Judo Federation on Monday announced that it had reached a decision to ban the use of all protusible adamantium blades (or blunt bones), and athletes who dare to use such in fights, or are unable to control harmful protrusion of such bones. The top regulating body said they had no choice but to completely obstruct the potential hazards and casualties such mutational weapons could cause.
Mr. Olalekan Adekunle, an erstwhile Judo Champion and the Agency’s Sporting Director said he found the unanimous decision not only right, but pressing given the recent incidences. “Many of us here in this conference can attest to the number of times when they met talents, or scouts talking about talents who happen to mention that they had adamantium skeleton, some as protusible bones which they’ve shanked up during training. We have made it quite clear to them that on no circumstances should these be used, and any prospect who attempts such would be committing a career-ending foul.”
Mr. Adekunle stated quite blandly that there were already registered athletes who had blades and bones of the extremely rare and durable metal alloy, but they had all been briefed about the consequences of using such capriciously. None with professional certification he added, had intractable extrudant bones or suffer loss neural loss of control of the natural knives buried deep beneath in the flesh of their limbs.
“We can safely assure lovers of the sport that while they do not have to worry about any ugly incidences, any athlete who displays or uses excarnate bones during a fight shall be competently expulled. Look, we have had some athletes confide that they have all sorts of tough alloys in their body. Vibranium, Dargonite and some others have been toted, with some athletes even claiming that the wording of this new regulation only bans adamantium. Let us make this clear, all tough metallic bones must be hidden inside the body during fights.”
Mr. Darlington Otueke and Mr. Lateef Suleiman, both high ranking members of the Federation made statements reasserting the referendum. The Meeting concluded with an adjournment of other issues.
Enugu – ENUGU, Nigeria.
A Senegalese Tailor, Mahmoud Babass in the busy streets of Uwani, Enugu town, has expressed a wish to Journalists that his customers whom he values and cherishes would rather adjust their schedules and watches to reflect the time zone of the beautiful city of Dakar. The wistful tailor said he would hate to denounce his usually polite and respectful customers, who would greet him and call him “friend” in Hausa, or Baba if they were super friendly youth who really just want a bargain on their sewing.
The Seamster said he appreciated all who came to his small kiosk, bending low as they descended beneath the eaves and requested to have their attire made this way and that. Many would return several times and accept his excuses wholeheartedly, but no one came at the time of the Greenwich Meridian, the timezone of Dakar.
“I remember the landscape of Dakar, the Mountains shaped like breasts that King Leopold spoke about, the ambience of the streets. I know there are other impressive cities worldwide, but I wish my customers would adjust their watches to synchronize with Dakar’s radio programs and prayer times. I rather want my life to proceed that way as a temporal memento to Dakar, the city of my birth and adolescence. There are quite a lot of similarities between Dakar and Enugu, as well as a lot of differences, but these are all spatial, not temporal. It means that I can only use Dakar’s timezone to keep my life and business in order.”
The slightly discombobulated Tailor then shook his head, creased his weathered forehead, and roused eyebrows he could not see before he continued sewing his latest work.
Abuja – FCT
It has been reported by the Federal Agency of Mental Health that the activities of early morning preachers in the streets of Nigeria has led to an average loss of 900,000 IQ points per year from the citizenry of country. A careful study carried out by the Agency reported that sleep deprivation caused by the incessant wake up calls made by the religious marauders has led to an incessant drain of mental prowess amongst students, civil servants, and even manual workers. Various professions were analyzed and while the mental drain was different for each individual group, the average IQ points lost by each profession was calculated to be 900,000, with an extra amount lost by uncategorized workers and urchins.
Asokoro, FCT – The Federal Government of Nigeria has employed the services of an Internet Financial Opportunist, popularly known as Yahoo Boy or G-Boy, in its bid to obtain Financial aid from Germany.
Chibueze Nkwocha, a 29 year old graduate of Biochemistry from Unizik was called upon by the Federal Ministry of Finance to help solicit aids and loans from Angela Merkel’s administration.
“This is an exciting new initiative to use the abundant talent of our Yahoo boys to meliorate our solvency and give our economy the needed boost to beat the recession once and for all,” Finance Minister Kemi Adeosun said. “We intend to use this method to our advantage in other issues of foreign exchange” she added.
The pilot edition of this Capital Gain scheme, known as MMP (Maga must pay), kicked off earlier today with Chibueze who was hunched over his Laptop as the Honourable Minister whispered suggestions over his shoulder in her special variant of British English. Sources in Germany confirmed that at 2pm in Berlin, Angela Merkel was deeply engaged in a chat with a young well-informed Nigerian Army Sergeant who had just returned from quite an ordeal of a peacekeeping mission in South Sudan.