Pyongyang – NORTH KOREA
Sitting alone in an empty legislative chamber, a pensive Kim Jong-Un rued a failed constipation joke he had made at the beginning of his regime. The Supreme Leader had following his Father’s death, told his ardent populace quite explicitly that he does not defecate. Many however took it quite literally, and soon rumors began to spread the deified Autocrat had conquered his own bowels and never visits the John. In his broody soliloquy on Sunday evening however, Kim admitted that it was all a joke, a badly received one.
“How could they not get it?” The depressed didact asked himself. “I meant that I do not give a shit, you know, like the Americans say all the time. I thought that half a century of patriarchal militaristic isolationism has already proved that point quite clearly, but I made the joke anyway. I thought we were going to laugh about it for a week, a month perhaps. But things were a little crazy at that time; my father had just died, the Russians were chasing rioting pussies instead of bolstering our nuclear arsenal, and the Chinese economy was all over the place. I thought the joke had surely died then.”
The North Korean leader then painfully recalled seeing two farmers fighting over issue a few days ago. One had defecated on the other’s parcel, and defended his atrocity by insisting that even their God-King does his number two every now and then. The other could not bear this heresy, and proceeded to whack his comrade over the head with his plough. Kim Jong-Un revealed that this ugly incident brought back so many painful memories.
“It was all a joke for God sake! I even brought Dennis Rodman over here to explain that to them, but the cokehead forgot all about it.” He reserved his greatest scorn for American comedians and late Night show hosts, who had bastardized the joke and made some people beyond the peninsula actually believe that the Supreme Leader doesn’t
Lusaka – ZAMBIA
Following it’s unplanned infection into the hand of a restless teenage boy, a Clostridium tetani bacterium reported yesterday that he hoped to assist the young lad attain the voice and accents of famed TV presenter, Richard Quest. The bacterium, whose previous abode was a rusty steel nail said it was rather pleased to be in the bloodstream of the 16 year old amateur footballer, where it could get to work with a particularly aesthetic goal in mind.
“My new host is going through nerve-wrecking puberty and other social problems associated with it. To be quite honest, I am not sure he is equipped economically to treat me as an infection, nor does he have the amenities within reach. Nonetheless, I hope I can help him with his social issues by fixing his voice into that of Richard Quest. If he can nail the gesticulations and mannerism quite right, I doubt anyone can tell the difference.”
The endospore commended his energetic host, hoping to also teach him yoga, but was more excited about the sonorous changes that were soon to occur. “It’s up to him to decide how he would use this capability, but I know a few girls in his school who might be intrigued.”
At press time, the Adolescent had dusted off the barely bleeding wound, hoping it would dry and take care of itself as he ran off to collect his play tyre from his friend.
Park Rangers in the Country Side Of Kenya Took up their Guitar and played good U.S country music for their last remaining white Rhino. The smoked a Cigar and drank some Bourbon and played Country music, which they have in common with the US countryside. The Rhino looked them in the eye and snorted? “Where are my Papers?” It has been a long time he learnt from his Learned friend Masjid Nawaz.
SPARTANIA, THE HEAVENS – Following activities on earth on the occasion of Valentine’s day celebration, the water supply in system in the Heavens was reported to be contaminated with high concentrations of oral contraceptives.
Speaking with reporters by the Spartania Municipal Water tank, water analyst Eldron Lillia said this has become a recurring annual event that has been getting worse each year. He also intimated that the pipes which are usually clogged with discarded condoms were especially affected by the occasion, leading to many blockages and bursts.
“It’s no problem really, it is something we’ve come to expect each year since the 60s, but it gets noticeably worse every time.” Mr. Lillia said. He wondered if humans would ever be able perform recreative coitus without fucking up their water, but said he was more concerned about Earth’s runaway overpopulation than he was about the pipes.
The city council of Spartania has in anticipation of the notorious Valentine date scheduled a water supply maintainance on February fifteen.
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