Squirrels and Agamas Hoping to Evolve Through Furtive Glances

Abeokuta – OGUN
Squirrels and Agamas living in and around Humans have consistently proven and advocated a use of coded furtive glances to project their neurological evolution around the highly intelligent Cercopithecoid. The small creatures stated that they had learnt to make use of all kinds of gazes and blank stares to avoid and cope around humans, whose movements can be quite erratic, unpredictable.

“Now humans you see, are quite an inexplicable bunch. I mean, have you ever had someone stare at you while they were spacing out? They are thinking some crazy shit that has no end answer, just spirals of what and why. That is when they chose to stare . . . You can’t tell whether they’re feeling good or having their dankiest though. All you can see is vacant eyes, souls begging to be filled with some kind colorful fluff, anything. Then they heave out air, or shake their head, make a mindless dash or pace away for something they end up not needing. You’re actually relieved from that ennui if they lock on you and try to throw a stone or a playful shoo.”

Despite these attendant awkwardnesses and a vastly different neural anatomy, both surburbian critters stated that they could taxanomically balance a progressive code on the humans, whose intellectual achievements undeniably abound and kept increasing in leaps and bounds. This would obviously ensure their own developing code would be intrinsically propelled not necessarily to rival humans and what they’ve acheived, but how to adapt and survive amongst the most dangerously fickle and literally explosive Creatures this portion of the Universe ever spawned. They believe if they could handle humans, it doesn’t matter whatever has been reported to be creeping around Mars or whatever they find yakking their jaws under Europan waters, they would be fine if they stick with old Helios.

“Yes, we know, their Amygdala is well snuck deep into all that sparkly fat, neurotransmitters sneaking like catwoman into all nooks and cranies, and their thalamus is doing some crazy stunts every now and then . . . our much more primordial structures aren’t capable of any of that. It’s all pointy Olfactory lobes and some scanty folds of cerebellum. We however, would get by anything the Cosmos throws our way if we can stick around these guys. Of course, we have to watch out for their most nefarious demographic; little boys who spy us out and hurl stones with hunting eyes. They often miss, and I cannot fathom why they do that to us, but ignore rats that frequently have their way with their unwashed hands from dinner.”

Squirrels and Lizards confirmed that while they bear their close relatives Possums, snakes, and cute birds in mind, they have come to appreciate how much more peaceful bats and salamanders were, and admitted that this might be contingent on their habitatial displacement from humans. “Our biome is not the coolest, but we’re getting by. We have come to take it all with a pinch of salt, which some of the food in their trash sometimes lack. We appreciate their reticence towards us in general, but they can change entire landscapes in an
ornery. But we’re sure they are good folk. Or good enough to stick around and adapt to.”

Both Lizards and Squirrels affirmed that while they’ve got love for all creatures that had to deal with humans, spiders were a sneaky bunch that have been reported to be carnivorous.



US trade China Her Black Citizens for Debt Cancellation

Beijing – CHINA
The United States of America has agreed to a debt cancellation agreement with the Republic of China that would have China inherit all her African American citizens in exchange for complete cancellation of debts between the two countries. Analysts agree that while the agreement itself is crass and has sparked Protests, the US is taking the step to decongest it’s Prison population and reduce Heart-related deaths in her police force. China on the other hand, gets to increase revenues from her entertainment and sports industries, while solidifying her burgeoning economic relationship with the African continent.
Many have cited the Asian powerhouse Colonialist schemes as a major source of concern, while others protested that the bill for the agreement was based on a slavery era law. However, many Africans, African Americans and Asians expressed optimism at the prospect of a tension-free relationship between the two ethnicities, starting afresh on an untainted plate. Others opined that the move might have put and end to a looming 3rd World War triggered by hyper nationalist movements worldwide.


Nigerian Judo Federation Bans Use of Adamantium Blades

Abuja – FCT
Sitting in a conference in Maitama, the Nigerian Judo Federation on Monday announced that it had reached a decision to ban the use of all protusible adamantium blades (or blunt bones), and athletes who dare to use such in fights, or are unable to control harmful protrusion of such bones. The top regulating body said they had no choice but to completely obstruct the potential hazards and casualties such mutational weapons could cause.
Mr. Olalekan Adekunle, an erstwhile Judo Champion and the Agency’s Sporting Director said he found the unanimous decision not only right, but pressing given the recent incidences. “Many of us here in this conference can attest to the number of times when they met talents, or scouts talking about talents who happen to mention that they had adamantium skeleton, some as protusible bones which they’ve shanked up during training. We have made it quite clear to them that on no circumstances should these be used, and any prospect who attempts such would be committing a career-ending foul.”
Mr. Adekunle stated quite blandly that there were already registered athletes who had blades and bones of the extremely rare and durable metal alloy, but they had all been briefed about the consequences of using such capriciously. None with professional certification he added, had intractable extrudant bones or suffer loss neural loss of control of the natural knives buried deep beneath in the flesh of their limbs.
“We can safely assure lovers of the sport that while they do not have to worry about any ugly incidences, any athlete who displays or uses excarnate bones during a fight shall be competently expulled. Look, we have had some athletes confide that they have all sorts of tough alloys in their body. Vibranium, Dargonite and some others have been toted, with some athletes even claiming that the wording of this new regulation only bans adamantium. Let us make this clear, all tough metallic bones must be hidden inside the body during fights.”
Mr. Darlington Otueke and Mr. Lateef Suleiman, both high ranking members of the Federation made statements reasserting the referendum. The Meeting concluded with an adjournment of other issues.


Ants Hoping to Break Communication Barrier, Teach Humans a Thing or Two About Ecology

Ants on the floor bed of the Tropical forests in Nigeria have in spite of regional and seasonal difficulties, insisted that they would love to break the communication barrier between they and humans to teach them some things about ecology. The ants were quite happy to report that they actually possess this knowledge, and have it stashed somewhere, they said. But that they were some attendant difficulties in figuring out the sounds and visual signs that would convey the message to Humans. “Ah, yes indeed, we would love to present humans with some ideas we have about our shared habitats, and about our entire ecosystem. Unfortunately, we are yet to determine a codification that’d help break the communication barrier. We know for sure that they study us, boldly sending their creepy shorts wearing backpacking folks to study us and what not. That’s not an issue, though, the creepy is at a tolerable level. I mean, some of them might be disgusted at what parts of them we love eating.”

The ants however, had a fingers-crossed attitude about the prospects of an amicable communication, given that the very fact that there is a talk to be had meant that there were key issues to discuss. “Boy, what a talk that’d be. There might be awkward exchanges about how we eat their furniture, or how we often show up beneath their footfall. We have our own grievances to air as well. I mean, it’s not like the furniture they accuse us of eating does not stub their own toe from time to time. Most of our grievances though, are outside, and we would love to take it there, so to speak. Asphalt is bound to come up a lot.”

The ants added that they hoped the humans don’t stretch the metaphor on taking it outside.


Senegalese Tailor Wishes Customers Check Him At The Right Time

Enugu – ENUGU, Nigeria.
A Senegalese Tailor, Mahmoud Babass in the busy streets of Uwani, Enugu town, has expressed a wish to Journalists that his customers whom he values and cherishes would rather adjust their schedules and watches to reflect the time zone of the beautiful city of Dakar. The wistful tailor said he would hate to denounce his usually polite and respectful customers, who would greet him and call him “friend” in Hausa, or Baba if they were super friendly youth who really just want a bargain on their sewing.

The Seamster said he appreciated all who came to his small kiosk, bending low as they descended beneath the eaves and requested to have their attire made this way and that. Many would return several times and accept his excuses wholeheartedly, but no one came at the time of the Greenwich Meridian, the timezone of Dakar.
“I remember the landscape of Dakar, the Mountains shaped like breasts that King Leopold spoke about, the ambience of the streets. I know there are other impressive cities worldwide, but I wish my customers would adjust their watches to synchronize with Dakar’s radio programs and prayer times. I rather want my life to proceed that way as a temporal memento to Dakar, the city of my birth and adolescence. There are quite a lot of similarities between Dakar and Enugu, as well as a lot of differences, but these are all spatial, not temporal. It means that I can only use Dakar’s timezone to keep my life and business in order.”

The slightly discombobulated Tailor then shook his head, creased his weathered forehead, and roused eyebrows he could not see before he continued sewing his latest work.


Wildebeests Aiming To Raise Stock Prices of Horns

Speaking to a mustachioed journalist at a local cafĂ©, the representative of the local Blue Wildebeest population said he was looking to raise stock prices of their horns, their best known export by at least 15%. Mr. Buckwheat Katongo, the Commissioner of Finance for O’Flahertie’s and the Beast Confederacy said that the decision to push for a raise in price was unanimous, and expressed optimism that the Confederacy would achieve a mutual consensus with the shipping company.

“We have, uh, completed an extensive analysis of the situation at hand. Right now, our horns are only used for plain decorations, not carved into fanciful stuff like they do with ivory or reported to have extraordinary healing powers like Rhinoceros horns, or used for invocations like those long Ram horns. But we are hoping that with aggressive advertising and a concerted social media campaign, we can make some people believe crazy shit about our horns. We hate to see poachers going the extra mile for Elephant tusks, but would not even bother hustle up the horns after Leopards and Crocodiles are done with the carcasses our comrades. Even those yuppy Game Hunters would pose with Lions, Girrafes, even antelopes. But you rarely see them posed over a wildebeest, or, you know, cosplaying a Viking theme with a pot. You rarely see that.”

The Wildebeest Confederacy has in recent times, faced many challenges including loss of habitat, underdeveloped migration facilities, aberrant herd members, and pissed off crocodiles. Mr. Katongo said he hoped the boost to their local economy that comes from the sale of the horns could alleviate these issues.


Kim Jong-Un Rues Failed Constipation Joke

Pyongyang – NORTH KOREA
Sitting alone in an empty echoey legislative chamber, a pensive Kim Jong-Un regretted once telling his people that as the Eternal Living Sun of the People’s Republic of Korea, he does not defecate. Early in his tenure, the Great Successor had reiterated the running myth about the bowel movements of his dynasty, but now felt the the joke was badly received.

“How could they miss the joke?!” The rueful Supreme Leader asked himself. “And how could they truly believe that I do the number 2? I even brought Dennis Rodham here to translate it to them, but the cokehead forgot all about it and just wanted to play with puppies. It just means that I don’t give a shit, nothing else!”

The Great Successor then went on to painfully recount how he had observed from his balcony, two farmers who had gotten into a fight over the issue. One had defecated on the others parcel, and defended his atrocity by insisting that it’s only the Supreme leader that does not poo. This infuriated the other, who whacked him on the head with his plough.

“I should never had made that joke,” Kim noted, shaking his head sadly. “But the transition was a crazy time man. My Father had just died, the Chinese economy was all over the place and the Russians were busy chasing rioting pussies. I thought the joke would lighten the mood, you know, and the people would laugh about it for a week, a month tops. But I should never make that joke again, note to self.”

The Chairman of the Worker’s Party especially denounced American Comedians and talk show hosts, who had insisted on a literal interpretation of the joke, and ruined the comedy beyond the peninsula. Reports have it that he concluded his soliloquy on a 1989 model WC, before making calls to his military technicians to facilitate the range increment of their latest missile by 167 nautical miles.